


This is the Hour of Lead

by hikachuuu



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Himchan's POV, M/M, One Sidedness, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:52:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikachuuu/pseuds/hikachuuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My chest itself is a paradox; achy yet numb, it feels hollow, but I can feel my heart thumping slowly against my ribcage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is the Hour of Lead

**Author's Note:**

> Partially inspired by and title from poem 341 by Emily Dickinson. It's my favorite poem by her. First story for this group and for K-Pop ever. So, yeah, enjoy kiddies. My writing isn't the best and I apologize for all errors, it's five in the morning.  
> Also Happy New Year's!

The silence is heavy, thick in the air like the smoggiest of cities. Choking, suffocating, and soaking deep within my lungs. Breathing is hard, like someone’s hands around my throat, choking me, not enough to kill me, but enough to make me claw at my neck and gasp, begging for some merciful higher being to let me free. My chest itself is a paradox; achy yet numb, it feels hollow, but I can feel my heart thumping slowly against my ribcage. _Thump, thump, thump, thump_ … Rhythmic, proof I am alive, not dead as I feel.

I always liked wanting things I couldn’t have, I was spoiled, selfish even. I wanted you more than I wanted anything ever and I knew I could never have you. I can’t even pinpoint when I fell for you, it was face first right in the concrete I can tell you that much.

I fell in love with your smile first, it was a weird smile, but I found it perfect. It was that wide smile showing teeth and gums, followed by a deep laugh that shook me to my very core. I fell in love with your passion next, how your love for music brought you this far, how you poured all your heart and soul into it. I wish I could be your song, so I could receive just a fraction of that love. Then I fell in love with you personality, you were shy sometimes, or outgoing, but you were always kind and caring to everyone you met. Never once did you complain and you put everyone before yourself. Always. Lastly I fell in love with you as a whole, as cliché as it is to put it, flaws and all.

Every day I found a new reason to fall for you. You were what lifted me up and ultimately my downfall. I’ll be damned if I don’t say I didn’t at least fall with grace.

I’ve always had a good poker face, if you’re happy, I can lie to myself and say so am I. Maybe if I do it long enough I can convince myself of it.

> _First—Chill—then Stupor—then the letting go—_


End file.
